Late night thoughts.

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As I see my internship friends living there lives still in Kansas City I sometimes I wonder if going back to IHOP-KC would make life easier. If it would make my heart ache less, if it would somehow answer my questions. Now these questions don’t haunt me. They don’t cause me pain. They instead make me wonder at moments, they bring forth excitement. They cause me on nights like tonight to stay awake. I know the answer though. It wouldn’t. Life would still go on. I would still have questions. Possibly ever more there than here. So I do the only thing I can which is thank God for where he has each of his children, myself included. We are all on a separate journey. No journey looks the same in how we walk it out. I know in my heart where it is I am to be in this season. In the next season, well, that is a surprise for all:)

I can wonder, I can question. But ultimately it gains me nothing.

I can pray, I can read the word. That will gain everything.

Trust.

Hope.

It is the very essence of the christian walk.

Sole dependence on the man Jesus.

We are to walk not according to situations and circumstances, but rather according to the big picture. ETERNITY. My aim in life is to cultivate a lifestyle pleasing unto God.

It reminds me of last December in the prayer room at IHOP-KC crying out to the Lord not wanting to leave. Oh how my heart hurt in that season as I surrendered much more than anyone knew. And again I feel that season of surrender unto a season of miracles and HOPE.

This is tonights late night thoughts…

{Did you learn to love?}

Well it’s officially the last week of the internship here at the International House of Prayer.

I really couldn’t come up with a better way for my second to last sunday to play out if I had the choice. I’m sitting in the best coffee shop with Jon Thurlow Christmas music playing in the background, outside snow has covered the ground, my peppermint hot cocoa and fudge nut cookie are awaiting my devouring. My ears picking up conversations around me, contagious laughter pours from a woman across the way, men in front of me are conversing about the goodness of God, others spread out sitting alone texting, emailing going about their day. {If you hadn’t noticed cafe’s are one of my favorite places to be.}

With it being the last week, the reminiscing has begun. The late night talks & crying in bed together with the roommates go early into the morning. The obsessive picture-taking, just to make sure we have everything documented in our time here. The packing, the exchanging of clothes. The deep cleaning… However admist all the laughter,  tears, breakthrough, and breakdowns my time here all come down to one question.

At the end of the night when I lay my head upon my pillow the same question that is asked of me nightly will be asked of me on that glorious day when Jesus returns:

“Did you learn to love”

plain and simple.

Did I learn to love?

When the photographs are lost, tears dry up, when being in prayer room is not longer required, when the friends move away. What is left?

The personal and financial breakthrough that one encounters are great, yet only goes so deep because of the following truth. It all comes down to love. Of what point is breakthrough,  friends, a great church, and good teachings without love?  If someone were to ask me what I have learned in being here it was the very thing I was contending for. To know love. In coming here I discovered what real love is, who it is. Love is not an emotion, it is an action. It is not a distant feeling, it is not something afar off that only some can touch. All can reach for love and touch it. Yet one must first reach to feel it. Love is all around, it is all encompassing, it cannot be contained. Love is always loving. But we must choose to love, to feel love, to recieve love before to begin to what depths love itself has gone for us to feel love for eternity. This love, the force behind love is Jesus. Jesus is Love. All He does is motivated in and through love. There is nothing He does apart from it. It is in his jealous zeal that He cuts out all that would hinder love. It is in His bridegroom heart that He woo’s his Bride.  Its all for love.

 

L.O.V.E.

{What ive learned living on a mission base}

(Above picture is the actual prayer room I spend 20+ hrs a week in)

Living on a mission base with over 500 university students I have learned a few things about a)living in the midwest & b)what it looks like to live without alot of extra money. There entertaining & brand new to me {some of which I myself have definitely picked up}. So I thought I’d share a couple with you.

* Drinking your water, juice, or soda out of what once was a PB jar is normal

* Clothing sales are monthly – there is almost always someone selling there clothes to make a buck or two

* Sharing laundry loads to save money is wise

* If there’s a 2 bedroom apartment you will find at least 2 people in each room for the sake of CHEAP rent {But be warned no more than 4 girls per house otherwise its considered a brothel}

* Soda machines are great for getting soda & laundry quarters

* Midwest attire can be summed up in two outfits:

*Toms, Jeans, Sweatshirt

or

*Jeans, Cardigan, boots.

 

L.O.V.E.

{The choice}

 

 

Its a rainy day. Perfect time to blog. Its been a couple weeks since I have actually blogged on my life here. So here we go. There are less than 50 days until I graduate from the OneThing internship here at International House of Prayer. When they said the last half goes by quicker than first half they were right!

 

With the graduation fast approaching I have found myself trying to come up with what I should do with my time after internship. Ideas ran rampant in my mind, I could start one of the business’s I’ve always wanted to, I could be a nanny in the third richest town in the United States, there are plenty of oppurtunities here to make money and live well. But I didn’t have a peace about any of the things. {Reminds me back in May before I left for internship and I asked God what I would be doing after the internship and I felt like he said you have no idea, well He was right, as always;}{ See that blog entry here;)}.

So the last couple months when I have asked God what after the internship looked like, He didn’t answer the question directly {I think about the bible and when Jesus spoke directly to the people hearts who were asking Him questions, instead of answering question directly}, he instead asked me these two questions repeatedly.

 

‘Can you trust me up to the last minute’

&

‘Can you leave it all behind?’

 

He couldn’t possibly mean it, right? God didn’t actually want me to leave behind everything I had worked so hard for? Right?  {Insert me hoping I was repeatedly feeling the wrong impression} But, Yep. That is exactly what He was asking of me. Apart of my personality, I am one who plans ahead, WAY ahead. It’s a strength I believe the Lord equipped me with. But in our strengths we can sometimes forget our need for the Lord in our daily lives, and life goals because we get so good at doing things for ourselves. God was and is desiring to strip me of that false security. He is asking me to completely depend upon Him. Trusting that He can do far beyond anything I personally could come up with. I am beginning to see little glimpses of Gods provision for me.

And each time they are so divinely orchestrated that there is no denying its from God, I had no play in His plans unfolding except for my weak yes to His questions ‘can you trust me?’.

So here I am halfway across the country literally in the middle of no were, without my car, without a job, without the ‘extras’ that I love having {you know those things that make a home}. Sitting in the prayer room, I find God asking me again. Can you trust me? Can you believe that your prayers move mountains? I find God asking me to spend most of my time doing the opposite of what the world says is wise or smart to do. But to God it is success. It is growing in deeper intimacy with Him, it is partnering with His heart for the nations, it is learning who I was created to be.

Becoming an intercessory missionary was so NOT on my radar of things I wanna do with my life, or had a desire to do until coming here I would get those twinges of ‘this is what I was made for’ when I would be sitting in the prayer, and worshipping. But I would push them away, thinking I couldn’t possibly be called to this. Back in high school I use to make fun of missionaries, thinking it was pointless and now I find myself drawn to not only being a missionary, but an intercessory missionary. Kinda funny when you think about it. {For those wondering what an intercessory missionary is Go HERE for an awesome description written by one here at IHOP-KC}

In this season of my life I feel like the Lord was asking me to lay down my talents, my dreams of starting business’s, traveling the world…To leave behind my family and friends to seek Him even deeper than the last 4+ months. To trust Him. Now its one thing to live on a mission base and spend most of your time praying and worshipping God for 6 months apart of an internship, but to apply it to ‘real life’ and make it your main goal, that is a whole different story.To lay down my strengths before Him and allow Him to arise in His strength in my life for His glory. Its ‘easy’ to get a job, start a business, find a place to stay. But its alot harder {at least for me} to allow all this to be divinely orchestrated by God. And that is just what He is doing. Redefining my definition of success, and continually reminding me at the end of the age ITS ALL ABOUT LOVE.

 

 

L.O.V.E.

{Gods Provision}

This is an excerpt from my last monthly newsletter I sent out.  I also posted this on facebook. But I thought I would post this here on my blog as well, hopefully it will encourage some of you and give you a little more insight into what living on a mission base looks like.

I thought I would talk a bit about what its like to live here on a mission base. There are over 80 ministries that are apart of/under the International House of Prayer name. They range from an adoption agency,worship teams (keeping the 24/7 worship going), 4 internships, bible university, outreach to feeding & clothing the poor, the list goes on…The enviroment here, is one of pure LOVE. It is not strange or out of place to have a total stranger ask if they could pray for you, or give you something (An hour ago from writing this a fellow intern came to me and told me how she needed a soda because her stomach wasnt feeling good, so she asked a friend for the money to buy one, she then went to the vending machine were a lady(who she didnt know) was standing at the vending machine she had just bought a sprite and asked my friend if she would like iit, my friend said YES of course;). And just 30 mins ago another intern who’s my roommate just had someone come up and gave her $40.The lifestyle here revolves around sermon on the mount {Matthew 5}.Its unlike anything I have ever experienced. Those living here are raising their own support, there are the rare few who receive a work scholarship (typically office jobs).

The main focus of the Mission Base is keeping the 24/7 prayer & worship going. The missionaries here are called ‘intercessory missionaries’ meaning they not only do works of justice but they are coupling it with intercession (a big word for prayer).It’s like a double whammy here, they are not only doing works of justice,but they are also worshipping & praying to God for him to bring justice, and save people (from sex slave trade, addictions…). Its amazing!Gods FAITHFUL provision There is a real grace here at the IHOP-KC for Gods ABUNDANT provision.

I wanted to share with you just some of the amazing testimonies just within my core group. Maybe there are those of you who are needing finances, and/or trusting God to take care of some financial issues. These REAL stories are sure to build faith.So onto the testimonies. Two girls in my core group came to internship without the internship being completely paid off. 2.5 weeks before the money was due our core leader broke the news to them that both of there internships had been TOTALLY paid for. That’s over $8000 between the two of them! Someone, some where decided to pay for them! On top of there internships being paid for people were coming up to them & mailing them hundreds of dollars at a time.Being here at internship I have had two times were people have either come up and given me money or I have found money in my purse that was not there before. One of my roommates Emily was sent over$600 in checks in the mail within one week, 2 weeks after receiving the money her car broke down and she had to take it in the shop, it cost over $400 fix it. Talk about perfect timing! Towards the end of September I felt like the Lord was asking me are you willing leave everything behind? & can you trust me up the last minute? In Him asking these questions I found myself Wondering if I would be able to raise funds as a missionary,have enough food to eat, a place to live…We are all familiar with the list of needs that every human has. That same day I found myself questioning these things I received a package with airborne that I was needing(from a family member who had no knowledge that I needed them), later that day an intern handed me 2 boxes worth of my favorite snack bars, the next day I received $50 in the mail, and the day after that I was given 10 of my favorite yogurts (all which I needed, the cafeteria provides meals but no snacks to interns) Several weeks later I realized I didnt have any winter boots or any waterproof shoes for the rainy days here. Within the week someone here gave me both boots & shoes in almost brand new condition.After these ‘little’ reminders from God I was reminded how faithful He is to His word. He will always watch over me and keep me!God not only provides, but He provides abundantly.Living here on the Mission Base I here stories almost weekly about the amazing provision people expeirence.Everyone has a story here that will amaze you, from people packing up everything they have and moving here without a place to live, to people being given brand new cars, to being given a place to live.My faith is slowly but surely increasing that God is faithful to His promise that I will never be in want. How can it not in an environment like this?

L.O.V.E.

{Sermon on the Mount Video}

{Month Two Update}

I’m never quite sure what to write for monthly updates, there is so much that happens within one day. How I am suppose to have you grasp whats happening in the time span of a month I dont know. But I will attempt at painting a picture of what life here looks like.

The pool has officially closed, there is now a chill in the air and umbrellas are needed, the seasons are changing.   And it just so happens that the month two mark just passed this last week.  A new season has begun here at internship as well, with it brings a new class called ‘Intimacy with God’ (by far my favorite class so far) that Ron Downing is teaching, then Mike Bickle is teaching the Book of Joel, I am astounded how a book with 3 chapters could entail so much! I am so blessed to have teachers of the word who study it and meditate on it day and night and push me to do the same.

I am about to start to read the Seven Longings of the Heart by Mike Bickle (You can go to his website and get it for free!). We are also reading The Rewards of Fasting, and Passion of Jesus both by Mike Bickle.

2 months of being here equals out to approximately:

135+ hours in prayer room

4 papers

Read New Testament 1.5 times

Read book of revelation 9 times

2 evangelism events

more tears than I knew were possible

It has been the best 2 months of my life by far. I am in a place of such peace of knowing what I am called to do and be. It’s that rooted, unshakeable feeling that the word promises if we lean on Him and abide in Him. Letting God do the work, and me standing in agreement with His word for my life. Trusting that His leadership is perfect even when I cannot see, I cannot understand whats going on around me or in me. I am discovering the Kings jealous love for me, how he doesn’t desire sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice. He desires that I lay down all that hinders love.

This is my attempt of giving you a long story short of whats happening, hope you were able to grasp a little bit of were I am.

Peace & Hope.

Its available for all.

L.O.V.E.

{Life as an Intern: Heart}

“For me to live this is Christ,
For me to die this is my gain”

What do you get when you combine Stanford & Berkley grads, 18 year olds fresh out of high school, and 20 year olds giving up careers and relationships all for the sake of LOVE?
You get the July 2010 OneThing Internship.

Doing this internship has been my way of declaring: “I’ll follow the lamb wherever he leads me, wherever he goes.” It just so happens to be a really, really good song as well In being here I’ve found myself re-discovering the freedom that loving God brings. That discovery is taking me into the depths of Gods heart towards me which requires I face the condition of my heart, mind, body, spirit (my entire being).  Doing so I’ve found hurt and pain dwelling all to comfortably in my heart. Fears built upon fears, excuses, and denied weakness simmering beneath the surface. Oh human frailty… I found myself disillusioned thinking I had surrendered all there was to surrender by moving halfway across the country for God ‘to return to my first love’. Instead I came to discover that all along I had been standing one foot in the river, one foot on land unsure if sailing away with God would be really what would fill me and the desires of my heart, desperately holding onto a few of my personal treasures physically and within my heart. (Were your heart is, there your treasure lies). Now it didn’t look like desperation outwardly. (Humans have gotten to good in my opinion at masquerading in order to go about the motions of life.) I was continually ‘growing’ and was having breakthroughs in my life, but there were still places with a big “do not disturb” sign on them. In doing this I wasn’t allowing Jesus to free me from the bondage which I accepted as being normal, which ultimately is robbing Him of His  inheritance.

Coming here I realized that I didn’t have an accurate revelation of who God is. My view towards Him was that He was mostly angry, impossible to please, and didn’t really want me to have the desires of my heart. Forgetting that He was the very one who formed my heart in my mothers womb, he created those burning passions and desires in my heart. In the disillusionment of being in pain and hurt I had blamed God  (subconsciously without really realizing it) for the mistakes and sins I committed. I was bitter, confused, and ashamed. But God was innocent in all this. All He had done was try to call me out of sin and rebellion so that I could experience His love in a fuller measure.

Without the INTENTIONAL tending to the flame on the altar of our hearts the love for God will not grow within us.
Cultivating love of JESUS, not building my name, a lifestyle of love vs ministry (self-exhortation). My focus in life has been for the 50-100 years that I will here on earth instead for the age to come. Somehow in the hustle and bustle of  life I forgot that I was created to live for ETERNITY. My time here on earth is but a snippet of time in the grand scale of things. My  focus should not be on self-exhoration (how I can make a name for myself) but rather focused on living as Jesus lived. Walking humbly, to serve those around us before ourselves and loving at all times.

Life here is different in the obvious things like living with 3 other women, listening to live worship 5-8 hours a day, classes, working in a Marketing office for Christian Record Label. I am meeting new people almost everyday all with the same goal, to encounter the King of Kings on a daily basis and to love others. Fears are constantly being faced, so called truths are being questioned, patience is being tried, and love is being put to the test. Yet this has without question been the best (almost) 6 weeks of my life! And each day gets better.

Surrendering has become my favorite thing to do. Doesn’t mean I find it easy, but I know its worth it each and every time.

L.O.V.E.

Video Update

Doing a type of video blogging has been on my heart for awhile.

So here is my first one.

L.O.V.E.

{Filling His Shoes}

{Revelation 2:4}

“But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.”

Last night during the student awakening the Lord began speaking to me about how I had allowed and almost forced men in my life to attempt to fill the place were Jesus was to be. Were I so desperately cried out for a man to be strong, for a man to pursue me, for a passionate lover I allowed men to counterfeit  His love by trying to meet these standards. Were I have cried out for a man to love me, one that would in passion and in fury would come rescue me in pain, trial, and woundedness I tried to find a man to fit into His role. Day after day crying out for this, not understanding why no matter how kind, how passionate, how sensitive any man was it wouldn’t fill that desire in my heart that was burning more and more each week, each month, each year. The picture the Lord gave me about this was this:

Just as a little boy likes to put on daddys shoes and wear them, there is no way that little boy can fill His daddys shoes, there is no way that little boy can do the things daddy can do, or walk like daddy in those shoes. That’s not his role. They just wont ever fit. Plain and simple. ITS IMPOSSIBLE.

In this same way without encountering the real man Jesus and allowing Him to fill that desire to be loved will lead to dissapointment, failure, and confusion. Jesus is the only one CAPABLE of filling that place, that desire, He is the the only who can fill those shoes of my ETERNAL LOVER. No matter how many ways I try, no matter how many doors I open, no hand will ever hold my hand with the strength and tenderness that His does. No man can say the things Jesus says and have the same meaning, No man can or ever will fill Jesus’s shoes.

THEY WERE NEVER MEANT TO.

A future spouse was never made or intended to fill the place of Jesus’s love. Yet so often young men and women find themselves yearning for a love that will forsake all other loves, a love that will listen to there every word, a love that will be there through the good and the bad, a love that says divorce is not an option. Then there is the other side of the coin for the men and women that desire to be that love, and try and fill that place for the significant other in there life, because of there own lack in there lives. That need to give there love.

This Love that we desire to have and to give is Jesus. He placed a desire in us for PERFECT love with the intention that only HE can fill it. That from a place of knowing your loved, of knowing who you are IN HIM, and being filled from the inside out with HIS LOVE first; then, if the Father would have you marry, that’s when you would open your heart/mind to that idea.

“Do not awaken love before it so desires”

But as long as I feel lack in my heart, as long as there is that burning desire for something more than man you will find me in the arms of my beloved Jesus. Oh what a process this has been. I am finding day in and day out that the most simple of thoughts and ideas are the most profound ones that radically change my way of thinking and living life. I’ve heard over and over “no one else can love you like you love me lord” (Its a song here at IHOP). But until the Lord gave me that word picture of the little boy trying to fill daddy’s shoes it hadn’t clicked. Oh how I love how the Lord knows what we will get, what will make things click for us! He is so good.

*** I am going to be trying to update more. Once I get my camera I am going to try and start doing video blogs ***

L.O.V.E.