“You’re so strong” they say. Meanwhile the castle I built around me crumbles to the ground. I look around and see everything I built in vain is gone. How is this strength? Everything has fallen away. Everything I worked for, the very things I bled for have turned their back on me and left with scars that I’m unsure can be healed…
The comfort of owning a home, the partnership and protection that was suppose to be marriage, the successful business. Every last bit crumbled around me as I stood face to face with Him. Even if all this is gone, am I enough for you? The question stands everyday. “Am I enough for you?” In my so called lack, in my abundance. Is He the one defining piece in my life. Is He the compass for success? Or have I cheapened it to earthly processions, titles, and relationships. Truth is I’m not strong. Trying to hold it together for three people was my breaking point. When someone else wants you to save them from their self you find out what you’re made of. You face your own demons and theirs. Two years ago I stood petrified of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing. I feared everything because of the complete chaos that had taken over my once safe life. As my world around me crashed in I discovered there was more for me. Beyond self protection, beyond my fears.
Early on in going to therapy post divorce my counselor shared a picture with me that she saw occurring in my life. She saw me standing next to Jesus and there was a table that I had tried to rearrange and suddenly all the furniture, the house, it was all gone. It was just me and Jesus.
It broke me. The idea of not having anything to comfort myself with after all the betrayal, and lies and pain I had been through. Just me and Him.
Could I trust that He was not only enough, but that I was enough to Him. Without my accomplishments, without marriage, without a successful business. What then?
Was communion with Jesus enough for me? Could I really be enough? Without doing a single achievement??
Today I can tell you it’s more than enough, it’s my everything. Being a single parent with sole custody can be lonely, scary, and intimidating but He has led me every step of the way the past 2 + years.
Fear no longer has a hold on me, and death is simply a stinging word that has been crushed.
Love wins. Against all odds, love wins.
Whether the one I loved with everything in me comes back to the lord or not, love wins. Whether I marry again, love wins.
Whether I run a successful business or not, love wins.
I hope this weekend you too can see that love has won.
Each day we are walking out what it means to be loved by Him. It’s a steady love, a forgiving love, a faithful love. It’s one I will never let go of. It’s more than a church, more than an Easter service, it’s more than lighting candles. It’s hope. It’s redemption. Love has made a way for you and for me.
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